Usually the wording would be a self-replacement effect:

• Draw two cards and lose 2 life. If you control a Citizen, scry 1, draw two cards, then lose 1 life instead.

It is a bit convoluted to both add "scry 1" and reduce the life loss from 2 to 1 (but not outright remove it).

I feel the design does just a little too much. For a more straightforward tribal reward design (just adjust the numbers) see Dark Vision.

I like the thematic concept.