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(Rejected card second pass.)
Does it count itself? It if doesn't, it should say "another" obviously and if it does, then I would word it as "When ~ or another creature ETBs..." (Aetherstorm Roc for example but really just any creature with this type of effect - used to clear these kind of wordings although technically not necessary).
Peculiar design, these type of symmetrical effects seem to be pretty heavily avoided by WotC these days.